Thirty four

Yup, that’s the magic number.  That is the number of years that it took me to feel at home in my own skin.  You would think that we would all be comfortable in our own skin.  It’s the stuff we’ve been wearing since the day we were born.  Who can we be besides our self? The problem is the world around us.  The media, our parents, our friends, society tells us what we should be. We should be fat, skinny, stylish, funny, quiet, outspoken, serious.  Really, all we need to be is who we are. Be you and DGAF!

It seems a shame that it took 34 years to figure it out.  It took cross country moves, cancer, and other junk to figure it out.  I guess I really have spent the last 34 years finding myself.

My therapist once said to me, “Don’t you feel sorry for all of those people out there that live a fairy tale?”  My answer of course was “NO!” She then went on to explain that their eyes are closed.  They’ve never had to experience eye opening tragedy, loss or heartache.  Their time is coming and sadly, it’ll be more difficult for them to push through it.   Now, it would be nice for everyone to live a fairy tale, grow old and die in their sleep at the ripe old age of 100 and never have experienced tragedy.  Unfortunately, it’s highly unlikely.

I think what she was saying is that I can see now.  It’s like Harry Potter and the thestrals.  Most of the students couldn’t see them.  They were only visible to those who have witnessed a death and accepted it’s reality.

So, now that I’ve experienced it.  I can’t even describe the feeling.  I know that more, worse hardships will come my way in this long life that I have ahead of me.  But I also know, that I will survive those too.  I will come out better on the other side.

So, to describe what 34 feels like….it feels like that first sip of coffee, that AMAZING first stretch in the morning, a hot shower after a long hard day, diving in the lake on a sunny summer day, that first cool breeze of fall.  Do you get it?  Thirty four feels SOOO SOOO GOOD!

Our hopes for you….

sweet boy are that you find happiness and joy in every day. We hope that we raise you with the strength and dignity to stand up for what is right.  We hope that you always know that you are loved by so many.  You were grown with love, placed with love, and in all things you do will be supported with love.

So enough with the secrets, we are happy to announce that we are expecting a Baby Boy, Avery Damir, in February.  We’ve been keeping the secret for quite some time but couldn’t be more overjoyed.  We ask that you keep us and, most importantly, the sweet expectant mother who has chosen us in your thoughts and prayers.

Our hearts are overflowing and we are absolutely giggly!  Our little Valentine can’t get here soon enough!

babyboy

 

Saved contacts

When a relationship ends, you delete that person’s number from your contacts. It’s a false sense of security because you KNOW that number. You’re going to go out, have one too many drinks and still text that person. Some numbers fade with time, some don’t. I never saved my oncologists number in my contacts because it’s not a number that I want to know. I still go through the motions every time it’s time to make the next appointment. I get online, look up the number and call. But, I KNOW that number.

So today, one week after my appointment, the phone rang and the caller ID was that number my heart instantly sank. This was it, another dose of the terrible awful. It was Laura, the P.A. calling to let me know that they were talking about me. I’ve had some aches and pains lately. She said they could do some follow up now if it would make me feel better or wait and see how I feel in 3 months. I’ve opted to wait because if they aren’t worried, neither am I. I’ve been working out, losing weight, not taking my hormones. I think it’s just growing (or shrinking) pains. So, back on the hormones and the weight loss bus.

It’s the reminder though. The reminder that this happened. The reminder that life is fragile. The reminder that my life/future has been forever altered. So today has required a few extra deep breaths, a couple of nervous tears, and a moment alone on the dock. I AM okay. I AM healthy. But, I AM forever changed.

Unexpected treasures…

It was Covered Bridge season and I was on the hunt for cheap, old dressers to refinish for the baby’s room. Then I saw them, an antique bedroom set that was just breathtaking. They were perfect. They didn’t need anything but a dusting. Cousin Sarah was with me and she convinced me to buy them, Vedran could be mad later, but he probably wouldn’t be. So I scrambled to get a truck and muscles and they came home. Vedran loved them and said “You did good baby.”

They were the start of the nursery that we weren’t going to prepare. I couldn’t bare the thought of an empty nursery. Funny enough though, those pieces breathed life into my dreams. I began cleaning, buying and planning. I quilted bedding, bought pictures, painted letters. Cousin Ryan painted a woodland scene, Vedran hung pictures and moved furniture.  It is ready.

But unlike the empty drawers of the dresser, my heart is full. Full of love, hope, and maybe a little bit of anxiety. So, we wait for the phone call but we also continue to live and love. We are here and we are ready!

2 years later….

It’s strange how anxiety hits. I’m unloading groceries, cleaning out the refrigerator, all is well. Then it hits. My chest tightens, tears well up in my eyes and I can’t breathe. Sorrow overcomes. This is NOT my life. This isn’t what I had planned. I curse the universe, God, everyone that has what I want.

Thanks to my therapist and Xanax, I slowly come back to earth. This IS my life and it is so full of amazing blessings. It’s also a reminder that I’m still allowed to be sad. I’m still allowed to own my loss.

My 2 year appointment with the oncologist is next week. I try not to acknowledge it but it always brings about 2 weeks of unease. There will probably be a lot of short answers and blank stares but I’ll get to the other side.

We anxiously await the arrival of Baby Mesanovic. People have asked, we’re still patiently waiting. We don’t know anything other than we’re ready.

Where am I? 

Nothing really prepares you for adulthood. Like, I still keep thinking, “Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel like an adult!” Don’t get me wrong, I’ve thought that I’ve been an adult! Remember college? I’m pretty sure I knew I was an adult. I was sitting on a barstool in my brand new mini skirt, tube top and hooker heels drinking Citron and water (because carbs) discussing the latest politics with my best friends. We had arrived…or so we thought. 

Then came college graduation, a big girl job, my own apartment, a real paycheck. Yes! This is it! I’m an adult! Nope, still not…still irresponsible. Will it be home ownership, marriage, kids? What makes one an adult? I have no idea! 

Now, living down the driveway from your parents is a sure fire way to NEVER feel like an adult! They will always pull that rug out from under you making you realize that you are, still, in fact that irresponsible child. Or you’ll inevitably walk up the driveway when they aren’t home just to see if they have anything to eat. They always have the best leftovers. 

Why this random blog post? Because I’ve been sitting on the couch tonight thinking about what I want to do when I grow up. What do I want to accomplish? Time is ticking away and I’ve got shit to do! So, here I sit, a giant woman child struggling through this thing called life, adulthood. 

Friendship

I feel like I need to post about friendship this week because, well, I’ve been more than blessed in this area of my life. I have people. People to go to with exciting news or frustrations. I am one lucky lady. 

I want to too about those friends that transcend the title of friends and are really family. They’re those people that know your heart. The ones that will love you unconditionally no matter where you are in life, or on the globe. I have 4.

Julie and Ashlee: These girls have been my ride or dies since 1990. We grew up together in the era of three way calling. We scheduled classes together, in high school then still in college. We spent our weekends in college eating Arby’s then manning our barstools at the Terminal until closing time. Their family is my family and vice versa. We are really more sisters than friends. When we are able to find time to get together, let the good times roll. Our husbands may claim that we speak a different language. Their is usually more laughter than words anyway. We sometimes get annoyed with one another but I wouldn’t want to navigate this thing called life without them. Whoever said “Three is a crowd” never hung out with us.

Kim: We met during her first year of teaching. She is vibrant, energetic and oh so funny. I think we sealed our friendship when she was moved to another school and I invited her and her husband to go fishing with us. David and Vedran became quick friends and it was the beginning of an era. Later, after she came back to HCE, we often after every meal together. We’d have breakfast in the classroom, lunch in the lounge and then dinner with the husbands. Sometimes this would happen for days on end. This girl makes me laugh like no other (sometimes so hard that I toot). Oh, and we have got into some serious shenanigans. We have taken the long way to AMI and followed men with face tattoos behind buildings for a good deal. We don’t get to talk often, but when we do, it’s as if no time has passed. 

Amber: Oh Amber! We became adults together. We met at new teacher orientation, she was also from Indiana, so we clung to each other. We were fresh out of college, 1,000 miles away from home, with adult paychecks. In the beginning we spent our nights out and our days recovering by the pool. We ate more Taco Bell than should be legal. We had joys and heartaches. We met our husbands and got married. Our lives went from wild and crazy to game nights and falling asleep on the couch watching a movie. This is a girl that I could spend all day with and not say a word and be happy. I’m pretty sure if Netflix had been a thing 9 years ago, we’d have invented binge watching. Of all the things I miss about Florida, I miss her most. 

I’ve had the privilege to see or talk to all four of these ladies this week. It was just the reminder I needed that I am beyond blessed!