Our adoption story: The secret

When we started our adoption journey, we’d had the crazy idea that we wouldn’t tell anyone.  Well, I knew that would never fly.  So we made a strategic plan on who to tell and when.  We told the neighborhood and parents almost right away.  We couldn’t be with these people every day and keep that in.  Then we slowly told those closest to us as it felt right.

The first meeting was a Skype video call.  Vedran was at work and the agency had thought it would be a good idea for she (EM) and I to develop a relationship.  Oh my gosh was I nervous.  I paced the house.  Checked the phone and Ipad 100 times to make sure they were connected to the internet.  Finally, the call came in. EM and I looked at each other through the screens and both just sobbed.  I sobbed because of the overwhelming love, joy and sorrow that I felt for her.  It physically hurt not to be able to wrap my arms around her. We talked about our favorite foods, our hobbies, and just general small talk.  Vedran came home and wanted to hear all about it.  I immediately began making plans for us to go meet her in person.  I could not wait.  Unfortunately due to time and money, we had to wait until October.  EM and I had several more video chats like that, we began texting every so often and talking on the phone sporadically.  We rarely talked about baby or the pregnancy, I wanted to know more about her.

We had asked that the gender be kept a secret, then we asked that we not find out until we were at our meeting, then we decided that it was EM’s decision if and when she wanted to tell us.  It was very anticlimactic.  I was teaching a class and my phone chimed.  I knew she had a Dr. appointment so I glanced just to see who it was from.  When I saw that it was from her, my heart skipped a beat.  I read it and all that it said was “It’s a boy.” I waited until class was over and I texted her back with my joy, excitement and also a “How are you?”  I think this was the moment that she began her mourning.  This made it real for her.  I told her that I’d be here for her whenever she needed to talk.  Then I ran to Rural King and bought several “Daddy’s Hunting Buddy” onesies and had them on the couch when Vedran got home.

October came and it was time to meet her in person.  Vedran and I flew down to Florida.  We knew that this would be our last trip as a family of two.  We visited friends and family.  We laid around the pool.  We took an amazing day trip to Universal Studios and the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

Wednesday of that trip was the day.  The day we were going to meet the person that would forever change our world.  We got to the agency early.  We met our attorney who was just a wonderfully, laid back open book.  He was able to answer some questions that we had.  We were just a nervous mess.  The door opened and in she walked.  She and I hugged so tight and cried.  She instantly lifted her shirt and put my hands on her sweet belly.  We sat for hours over pizza and talked about life, music, hobbies, families, etc.

Vedran and I felt like it went well, but it was definitely a bit awkward.  Our caseworker texted afterward and said EM told her that she could have stayed with us all day.  That surely warmed our hearts.  This was also the moment that made it REAL!  We were going to have a baby and after the holidays, he was going to be here!  I think this was when I started to let my excitement grow.  I opened my heart, just a little, to the idea that a sweet boy was going to join our family.  And worry began to settle in.

I don’t know how to describe it.  Meeting HER was my first time being with HIM.  From that moment, I missed him.  I wanted to be with him.  My heart hurt not being able to feel him.  This was going to be a long few months.

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