The worry of parenthood…

And so it begins….the lifetime of worry. We had the meeting with the woman that will make us parents.  She’s perfect for us.  Our meeting went well, we talked, laughed, and anytime it began to get quiet, our social worker stepped in and saved the day.  To say we are in love would be an understatement.  This meeting made this all so very real.  It’s happening.

So last night, I laid awake.  How am I going to sleep when he’s here?  I can’t sleep when he sleeps because I need to watch him sleep and make sure he’s safe.  How often do I feed him?  How much do I feed him?  How many diapers should we have?  I don’t know the first thing about taking care of a newborn.  (Seriously, bring on the parenting advice!  Leave the judginess at home though.) Will he be happy? Happiness, that’s a big one.  I just want him to be safe and happy.

Adopting comes with a whole list of questions and worries, but so does pregnancy.  We want his mother to always be a part of our lives.  We hope that we will all be able to make that happen.  We hope that he understands that he is twice loved.

I can already tell that this is going to be a wild ride.  We may need a village, but that’s okay.  We have one!

Thirty four

Yup, that’s the magic number.  That is the number of years that it took me to feel at home in my own skin.  You would think that we would all be comfortable in our own skin.  It’s the stuff we’ve been wearing since the day we were born.  Who can we be besides our self? The problem is the world around us.  The media, our parents, our friends, society tells us what we should be. We should be fat, skinny, stylish, funny, quiet, outspoken, serious.  Really, all we need to be is who we are. Be you and DGAF!

It seems a shame that it took 34 years to figure it out.  It took cross country moves, cancer, and other junk to figure it out.  I guess I really have spent the last 34 years finding myself.

My therapist once said to me, “Don’t you feel sorry for all of those people out there that live a fairy tale?”  My answer of course was “NO!” She then went on to explain that their eyes are closed.  They’ve never had to experience eye opening tragedy, loss or heartache.  Their time is coming and sadly, it’ll be more difficult for them to push through it.   Now, it would be nice for everyone to live a fairy tale, grow old and die in their sleep at the ripe old age of 100 and never have experienced tragedy.  Unfortunately, it’s highly unlikely.

I think what she was saying is that I can see now.  It’s like Harry Potter and the thestrals.  Most of the students couldn’t see them.  They were only visible to those who have witnessed a death and accepted it’s reality.

So, now that I’ve experienced it.  I can’t even describe the feeling.  I know that more, worse hardships will come my way in this long life that I have ahead of me.  But I also know, that I will survive those too.  I will come out better on the other side.

So, to describe what 34 feels like….it feels like that first sip of coffee, that AMAZING first stretch in the morning, a hot shower after a long hard day, diving in the lake on a sunny summer day, that first cool breeze of fall.  Do you get it?  Thirty four feels SOOO SOOO GOOD!