When a relationship ends, you delete that person’s number from your contacts. It’s a false sense of security because you KNOW that number. You’re going to go out, have one too many drinks and still text that person. Some numbers fade with time, some don’t. I never saved my oncologists number in my contacts because it’s not a number that I want to know. I still go through the motions every time it’s time to make the next appointment. I get online, look up the number and call. But, I KNOW that number.
So today, one week after my appointment, the phone rang and the caller ID was that number my heart instantly sank. This was it, another dose of the terrible awful. It was Laura, the P.A. calling to let me know that they were talking about me. I’ve had some aches and pains lately. She said they could do some follow up now if it would make me feel better or wait and see how I feel in 3 months. I’ve opted to wait because if they aren’t worried, neither am I. I’ve been working out, losing weight, not taking my hormones. I think it’s just growing (or shrinking) pains. So, back on the hormones and the weight loss bus.
It’s the reminder though. The reminder that this happened. The reminder that life is fragile. The reminder that my life/future has been forever altered. So today has required a few extra deep breaths, a couple of nervous tears, and a moment alone on the dock. I AM okay. I AM healthy. But, I AM forever changed.
It was Covered Bridge season and I was on the hunt for cheap, old dressers to refinish for the baby’s room. Then I saw them, an antique bedroom set that was just breathtaking. They were perfect. They didn’t need anything but a dusting. Cousin Sarah was with me and she convinced me to buy them, Vedran could be mad later, but he probably wouldn’t be. So I scrambled to get a truck and muscles and they came home. Vedran loved them and said “You did good baby.”
They were the start of the nursery that we weren’t going to prepare. I couldn’t bare the thought of an empty nursery. Funny enough though, those pieces breathed life into my dreams. I began cleaning, buying and planning. I quilted bedding, bought pictures, painted letters. Cousin Ryan painted a woodland scene, Vedran hung pictures and moved furniture. It is ready.
But unlike the empty drawers of the dresser, my heart is full. Full of love, hope, and maybe a little bit of anxiety. So, we wait for the phone call but we also continue to live and love. We are here and we are ready!
It’s strange how anxiety hits. I’m unloading groceries, cleaning out the refrigerator, all is well. Then it hits. My chest tightens, tears well up in my eyes and I can’t breathe. Sorrow overcomes. This is NOT my life. This isn’t what I had planned. I curse the universe, God, everyone that has what I want.
Thanks to my therapist and Xanax, I slowly come back to earth. This IS my life and it is so full of amazing blessings. It’s also a reminder that I’m still allowed to be sad. I’m still allowed to own my loss.
My 2 year appointment with the oncologist is next week. I try not to acknowledge it but it always brings about 2 weeks of unease. There will probably be a lot of short answers and blank stares but I’ll get to the other side.
We anxiously await the arrival of Baby Mesanovic. People have asked, we’re still patiently waiting. We don’t know anything other than we’re ready.