That sweet peace…

I am a “what if” person. This leads to a ton of anxiety, fear, and usually writing my obituary because I know that death is certain.

Our home study took FOREVER! We worked around Vedran’s schedule, our caseworker got the flu, the holidays got in the way…it just seemed to take a really long time. Then, in February, it was done and a panic hit me like no other! What if no one ever chooses us? What if we’re too old? What if we aren’t pretty enough in our profile pictures? What if our profile actually sucks? One night, I laid in bed certain that the end was near. There was a tightness in my chest, I could barely get a breath and I just knew that I wasn’t going to make it through the night. To calm my fears (ha ha), I googled heart attack symptoms and one stood out. It stated that you may have an “impending sense of doom”. Well, shit! I’ve been having a heart attack for the last 25 years! I contemplated calling Vedran at work, or my mom, but I decided to go to bed and I’d either wake up in the morning or I wouldn’t. Guess what? I woke up the next morning.

That very day, I received an email that our profile was going to be shown to an expectant mother. I was overjoyed! Things were happening, our agencies hadn’t forgotten about us! The expectant mother did not choose us but with that came a peace. My heart is full. I’m okay. Our baby will find us, maybe this year, maybe next. The timing will be perfect whenever it may be.

When I started this, my friend Emily said that pregnancy, in the grand scheme of things, is the least memorable part of being a parent. I didn’t believe it at the time but now I know it’s probably true. That first moment that we hold our sweet baby, the wait will be insignificant.

Right now we are keeping busy. We’ve remodeled our house, planned some weekend getaways, and we’re slowly preparing for baby, one piece at a time.

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