Today, I spent some time contacting our agencies. What did I ask for? More paperwork. When I say that we are paper pregnant, I’m not kidding. If I stuffed all of the paperwork that we have done, are doing and will do up my shirt…I’d have a baby bump to rival all baby bumps. (Bump to baby picture idea?….NO!) it feels like the paperwork will never end. It’s nice to keep busy but it’s difficult to think about anything else.
Okay, so I am excited about our adoption journey. Yes, I vent. Yes, I get frustrated. Yes, I drag my feet. I want to enjoy this, I want to cherish every moment. I sit here now looking at our finished profile. Three months in the making it has been the cause of blood, sweat and oh so many tears. I am so glad that it’s done, but I’m worried that it may not be perfect. Does it get the point across that we are awesome? Does it stand out? Oh, worry.
I may not get to go through a pregnancy, but I’m going through a different process. The finished profile makes this all more real. I’m going to take this as baby’s first flutters in my belly. I may not feel the kicks and the hiccups and the heartburn but I sure do feel the flutters. Being paper pregnant is miserable and wonderful all at the same time. So I’ll prop my feet up and do what only a paper pregnant woman can do…have a glass of wine.
I had my 15 month appointment today. It’s no longer a big deal, just routine and annoying and uncomfortable. These appointments do, however, open up the wound. There is that gaping hole in my heart where my child belongs. These appointments come and go but they also bring an appreciation for life, a deeper love for my faithful and patient husband, and a reassurance that no matter what I will be okay.
Get to the point Jenni! I’m sitting here watching ‘The Voice’ and I see these parents beaming with pride for their child’s absolutely amazing accomplishment. Now, this is on a grand scale, but I love this. I see parents posting with pride about their children’s many accomplishments. Everything from sport wins, sitting up, crawling, report cards, potty training, and eating solid food cause parents to swell with pride for this life that they have created, nourished and loved. I will be THAT parent.
I also see children grateful for the sacrifices their parents have made. Hopeful that they will be able to return just a fraction of what their families have provided for them. This simply reminds me that this world is mostly good. People are mostly good.
I anxiously await the moments when Vedran and I can swell with pride at our child’s accomplishments. I anxiously await the joy, love, worry, pride and heart ache that raising a child will bring. No, I don’t think it’s going to be easy. No, I don’t think it’s going to be all pleasant. I do know, however, that there will be rewards. No parent wants to watch as their child is diagnosed with cancer, plagued with depression and struggling with the life she was given. I’m pretty sure if you asked them though, they wouldn’t trade it for the world. So, we look forward to this journey but right now, we enjoy the life we have. I’m grateful for everything but the cancer. But because of the cancer…I’m grateful.