It’s been a year, 365 days since the terrible awful. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. Vedran and I set out to the appointment, thinking we’d hear “Have a baby quick, and then we will get rid of your parts.” We were looking forward to a nice lunch together, shopping, just enjoying a day away. I remember hearing the words, looking at Vedran for help, sitting in the waiting area holding hands and sobbing while they scheduled my surgery. If you had asked me on that day if I would be where I am today I probably would have said that “I hope not.” There were so many days that I just wanted to give up. I wanted to lie down in my bed, go to sleep and never wake up. I went to places darker than I ever imagined. Everyone was throwing kind words at me, encouraging words, loving words and the only words that I wanted to say back were not kind, not encouraging and not loving. They had no idea what I was going through. NOBODY had any idea what I was going through. This was NOT going to be my life.
Luckily, my mama raised me better than that. She would say “Fake it ‘til you make it”, “Put a smile on your face.” So, I did. I don’t remember much of this past year. I think I’ve blocked it out. About September, I realized that I probably needed more help than my husband, family and friends could give me. So I sought out a counselor. SHE has been amazing. She listened and said what I wanted to hear. “This sucks, this isn’t fair, and you have a right to feel angry, sad, and lonely.” I was going every week for a few months. Our hour would consist of me crying and crying AND crying. Then eventually, I stopped crying. I started talking about what I was doing. In November, I decided that I could no longer hate my body for betraying me and I hired a trainer. I began lifting weights regularly. I started going to Pulse regularly. I got BUSY. My body is strong, I am strong. I will participate in my 3rd half marathon tomorrow. Three half marathons in one year, yes, I’m tooting my own horn. (You’d think I’d be skinny but NO. It’s okay though.)
I’m not happy about what happened. I never will be. What I do know though, is that I will be okay. I know that I can make it through anything. I am tough. There are still days. There are the days when someone announces their pregnancy and I’m so happy for them, but so extremely sad for us. There are the days that I see the beautiful glowing pregnant woman that I will never be. There are the moments that I hear someone complaining about being pregnant and I just want to smack them. But, I will have my baby, just in a different way. Vedran and I will be paper pregnant and we are excited.
So, what has changed in the last 365 days? A year ago, I didn’t want to go on. Today, I’m excited about what our future holds. Vedran and I have entered into a new normal. We are both trying to be better for the other one. Every day is a choice. We can choose what we do with it. In the moment, it’s hard to understand that “This too shall pass.” I don’t think that your grief ever goes away or gets better. It’s always there; you just have to choose to not let it consume you. There are moments that it does consume me and I allow that to happen. Sometimes I still have to cry it out, and then move on. I guess that’s the point, just keep moving. It’s much harder to hit a moving target, right?