Tough stuff…

It’s been awhile, I know. I’m not sure what to say. This is not the life that I anticipated and I’m learning every day how to live this new life. We are slowly dipping our toes into the adoption pool, doing research, attending information sessions and phone calls. It’s all so overwhelming. I know that once I have that sweet baby of ours in my arms, none of this will matter. Right now though, it’s all consuming. How are we going to find an expectant mother that wants us to raise her child? How are we going to pay for adoption? How are we going to plan for this baby that could bless our lives at any moment? How will we adjust to being a family of three (or four) in the blink of an eye? Will this baby love me as their mother? How will I react to people’s inappropriate questions or comments? How will my child feel about being adopted as they get older? Will they love us, resent us, feel betrayed or blessed? I wish I had a crystal ball. Don’t we all. There are so many unknowns. There were unknowns before all of this, I just didn’t know it. I had a plan and that plan was going to work out. Turns out I was a fool. I guess there was no plan B. We were just going to have a family like everyone else that we know.

So, I still cry, just not as often. I still feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, but the pain goes away quicker. The future is just so uncertain now and that is beyond terrifying. I try not to think about it too much but it’s difficult.