What’s there to say…

On Tuesday, I’ll go for my 3 month check up with my oncologist. I’ve been thinking of the right words to say and I just can’t. How am I doing? Awful. What are my emotions? Anger, jealousy, fear, shock, disappointment, rage.

I am, however, able to put one foot in front of the other. I’m able to laugh, smile, and have a good time. I’m still,at times, gripped by such extreme loss and sadness that I think I will surely die. I’ve seen so many recently lose loved ones to this awful, terrible disease. I’m watching loved ones battle for their lives right now. I am one of the lucky ones but I sure don’t feel that way.

Right now, I’m dealing with a lot of self hatred. What did I do to deserve this? I must have been such a terrible person that I’m being punished. I am not worthy of being a mother. I brought this upon myself.

I worry so many things about adopting. Is this what we’re supposed to do? What about those crunchy mothers that will judge me for not breast feeding? Will my child resent me for taking them from their birth mother? Will we ever even be matched with a child or will we just face more heartache?

Three months seems like a long time but the emotions are still very raw. I’m working every day to do better, be better. I hope in a year, I’m ready to fill out adoption paperwork and start the process. If I’m not, that’s okay too. I’m sure holidays will be hard this year. I don’t feel like anyone understands. I’m grieving the loss of something I never had. The loss of a dream is very real.

I’m reminded every day. The numbness in my legs reminds me that life will never be the same. The scars on my belly remind me of the children that I’ll never be able to carry. I hate my body, I hate myself, I hate these doctors and I hate this disease. In the same breathe, I love my body for showing this disease early enough that I may be saved. I love myself for being able to march on despite the fact that I’d like to just give up. I love these doctors for saving my life. But I still hate this disease.

So, this sucks. It’s not fair. I may have on a happy face most of the day but don’t be fooled. I do my fair share of kicking, screaming, crying and whining and that’s okay.