Those weird sayings….

Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. This too shall pass. Those in glass houses…you get my drift. What do all those even mean? I suppose they mean something different in every situation. Here’s what I do know…sometimes it is impossible to count your blessings when you are mourning a loss greater than you could ever have imagined.

I had a friend tonight ask me if I was depressed. I have asked myself this question over and over. I think that, yes, I have been depressed before. In a deep state of sadness with no apparent reason. I’m not depressed now. I’m sad and I have a reason to be sad. I just don’t know when it will end, it only seems to be getting worse. I’m angrier than I’ve ever been, I’m sadder than I’ve ever been, I’m lonelier than I’ve ever been. I feel like no one can even begin to understand my sadness. I don’t belong in a cancer support group because I no longer have cancer or treatments. I don’t belong in an infertility support group because I’m sterile. I don’t belong in a parent bereavement support group because I never actually was able to hold those babies that I so dreamed of. I just don’t belong.

Here’s what I do know; I have a husband who loves me in spite of myself. He’s sad, disappointed but not angry. He’s somehow kept our life in order over the last several months and most of his efforts have gone unrecognized by me because I’m caught up in my own emotions. I have an absolutely amazing group of students this year. They make going to work each morning a pleasure. 90% of the time I’m able to put on a happy face despite the pain I feel. My friends and family haven’t told me to stop my whining and get over it.

My goal for the week is to stop and recognize the blessings in my life. Will it be a cure?  No. Will it help me to heal? Maybe, maybe not. What I do know is that sometimes positive words, encouragement and support doesn’t do a whole lot. Sometimes you just want to hear “This sucks and you have every right to feel everything you’re feeling. This is NOT fair!” So, I’m going to keep feeling and hope that at some point those feelings dull and are replaced by hope, joy, and excitement for the future.

I’m not okay yet, but I’m sure I will be.

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