Those weird sayings….

Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. This too shall pass. Those in glass houses…you get my drift. What do all those even mean? I suppose they mean something different in every situation. Here’s what I do know…sometimes it is impossible to count your blessings when you are mourning a loss greater than you could ever have imagined.

I had a friend tonight ask me if I was depressed. I have asked myself this question over and over. I think that, yes, I have been depressed before. In a deep state of sadness with no apparent reason. I’m not depressed now. I’m sad and I have a reason to be sad. I just don’t know when it will end, it only seems to be getting worse. I’m angrier than I’ve ever been, I’m sadder than I’ve ever been, I’m lonelier than I’ve ever been. I feel like no one can even begin to understand my sadness. I don’t belong in a cancer support group because I no longer have cancer or treatments. I don’t belong in an infertility support group because I’m sterile. I don’t belong in a parent bereavement support group because I never actually was able to hold those babies that I so dreamed of. I just don’t belong.

Here’s what I do know; I have a husband who loves me in spite of myself. He’s sad, disappointed but not angry. He’s somehow kept our life in order over the last several months and most of his efforts have gone unrecognized by me because I’m caught up in my own emotions. I have an absolutely amazing group of students this year. They make going to work each morning a pleasure. 90% of the time I’m able to put on a happy face despite the pain I feel. My friends and family haven’t told me to stop my whining and get over it.

My goal for the week is to stop and recognize the blessings in my life. Will it be a cure?  No. Will it help me to heal? Maybe, maybe not. What I do know is that sometimes positive words, encouragement and support doesn’t do a whole lot. Sometimes you just want to hear “This sucks and you have every right to feel everything you’re feeling. This is NOT fair!” So, I’m going to keep feeling and hope that at some point those feelings dull and are replaced by hope, joy, and excitement for the future.

I’m not okay yet, but I’m sure I will be.


Sometimes I forget…..

Sometimes I forget that my life will never be the same. I go about my day, with a smile on my face and a song in my heart, nothing could stop me. I think about the beautiful family that Vedran and I will have together. The vacations that we will take camping, to Disney, hotels with an indoor pool when the winter weather makes us crazy. My life is the same.

Then something happens, it may be a beautiful pregnant woman, a song, a baby or nothing and I fall apart. Sadness grips me that brings me to my knees. I am still mourning. Mourning the loss of that beautiful baby that I will never have, those announcements that I will never send, those photos that I will never take. Vedran and I had names picked out for our children. I feel like those children have died and those names can not be used if we are able to adopt. Maybe that’s silly, it probably is. Maybe I’ll get over it, maybe I won’t.

I’ve been so very sad at the passing of Robin Williams. I can only hope it will bring to light some of the struggles that people face. Everyone has demons that they battle every day. Some are more wicked and deep than others. Even through laughter, smiles and jokes…someone may be aching.

As humans, we have to make it our job to help each other, everyone. Be kind to everyone….EVERYONE! Not just the people like you, same religion, color, size, sexual orientation, but everyone! Smiles are free, kindness is free, a listening ear is free. Are you doing YOUR part to make the world better? I’m not perfect and some days I struggle, but I always try to give everyone my best self every day. I’m asking you to do the same.

Summer has come to a close…

Many of you know that I was NOT at all looking forward to this summer. I was facing a surgery and possible treatment for a rare and aggressive cancer. I was going to lose my ability to carry a child, something that I have longed to do for as long as I can remember. Pregnant women are beautiful, amazing, and walking miracles. I wanted to be one but never would be. Well, because of that, this summer has been quite the rollercoaster.

My first 3 weeks were spent preparing for and recovering from surgery. This was rock bottom I hope. My thoughts went to places darker than I’d ever imagined. My soul purpose in life had been ruined. I would never be able to give my husband the children that he so desired, my parents the grandchildren that they so deserve. Many nights, as I fell asleep, I didn’t care if I woke up the next day. It seemed that there was no longer a purpose, a goal, a will to go on. Then, the universe did something that would change the way I felt.

Visitors started pouring in, my in-laws, my Florida family, my best friend and her husband, another best friend from Florida, and somewhere in there an impromptu trip to Cincinatti and Nashville. My cup runneth over. I saw how loved that I was. I got the cancer free card. These people thought no less of me now that I couldn’t carry a child, they were just happy that I was okay. They only cared about me and my well being. We all laughed, cried, hugged, ate, drank and my soul slowly recovered. I will never be the same, my world was shattered in a way that I never imagined, but I will learn to be okay.

Thank you to EVERYONE that has been and will continue to be a part of this healing process. From my Indiana colleagues that brought meals and care packages, to my Florida colleages that sent flowers and gifts and sweet words, and everyone else who visited, wrote, called and messaged. I still have a lot of healing to do, but I see now that I’m making progress.

I’m looking forward to the upcoming school year and new batch of sweeties that will count on my for everything for 7 hours of their day. I may not have children of my own, but these students are my children and I love them as such.