For the entire 7 years that I lived in Florida, I had moments where I just thought “I can’t believe I actually live here.” I thought that until the day I left. Driving home from the grocery tonight I was admiring the sunset over a cornfield and I thought “I can’t believe I actually live here.” It was a reminder that there is beauty everywhere.
I have been immersed in sorrow, pain, envy, bitterness and anger over the last several weeks. As I cleaned out my hall closet to make room for some recently bought toiletries, 2 pregnancy tests fell out. It broke my heart, I will never need those. I will never wait with bated breath hoping for that little positive sign. I will never announce to my husband that he’s going to be a daddy. But some woman, somewhere, some day will walk into the store with shaking hands and fear in her eyes to purchase a pregnancy test. She will go home and find out that she is pregnant. She will be immersed in sorrow, pain, envy, bitterness and anger but hopefully my prayers will be sent to her. She may choose me to love her child unconditionally, and there is beauty in that.
I feel like I’ve been laid bare for the world to see. I’ve been congratulated on my cancer free status so many times. And I am thankful for that but I’m still grieving. I have yet to find the beauty or joy in this situation. I can only hope that there will come a day that I don’t cry. A day where I can face any situation with a smile on my face. Right now, it’s still raw. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined. So tonight, I will pray for strength. Strength for me and strength for the woman who will one day make me a mother.