My body is healed, I’m working on my head and heart.

This is where I write the thoughts of my heart. The things that my brain will not always allow my mouth to speak. Things that I can’t speak to anyone because they’re too dark, scary.

I went to the Dr. Wednesday. I’m cancer free. Those words should have brought a sense of excitement, joy, relief….and they did, but not immediately. My immediate reaction was anger, disappointment, extreme sadness. Why? Because this cancer stole something from me. It was fast, furious and it took something that I will never get back. No one will ever “ooh” and “ahh” over my pregnant belly. I won’t feel the kicks of my child or lay while my husband talks to our child growing in my belly. I am still in my child bearing years with no child bearing parts and more importantly, no child. This still makes me so sad that I can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t talk, think or function. Then I remember that I have a life ahead of me.

Six weeks ago I wasn’t so sure I’d see 35 or 40. I laid in bed at night and thought about what my funeral might be like. What stories would be told? Surely there would be vodka. People would cry, hard. People would laugh, harder. The music would be phenomenal. Really, it would have been a party. That’s what I would have wanted. I worried about my husband, my family. Would they go on and be happy without me?

Cancer has taken something from me. It’s taken my ability to carry a child. It’s taken my sense of security, invincibility. But it’s also given me something. None of us know when our whole life will change, when our plans will no longer be attainable. I will have bad days. But I do vow to love harder, laugh harder and enjoy every moment that presents itself. I will not sweat the small stuff. I learned that I am loved beyond measure by so many people. So here’s to the next 40 or 50 years. May they be happy and full!

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