My anxiety is at a 15. You would think that I’d be calm, cool and collected today. Yesterday was the last student day of the school year. My kids were fantastic, co-workers even more so. But here I am, barely able to breathe. At one point I had to sit down because I thought I was on the verge of collapsing. The school year is over, I should be relieved, but I’m not. Because this summer isn’t going to be filled with vacations, relaxation or even summer school but surgery, recovery, and possibly more treatments.
The Oncologist office called and wants me to participate in a study. They’ll track me for the next ?? years to see if I develop lymphedema. This will help them research why some patients develop lymphedema and some don’t. Now, we can hope and pray that I’m one that won’t, but what if I do. That can be absolutely crippling. I can’t find any research on how to prevent it. I am absolutely FLIPPED out. I went home thinking “What’s lymphedema?” After researching, I’m terrified. I don’t want to live with that crippling pain, awful looks, etc. What will that do to my career, my marriage, my life? I didn’t need ONE MORE THING to worry about.
I want this cancer to simply be a bump in my road, I don’t want it to be the hill that leads to a lifetime of bumpy road. So here I am, attempting to pack up my classroom, organize my things and be a ray of sunshine. Right now, I’m simply breathing…that’s about all I can say. I knew there would be bad days, I’ve said that all along, but now I’m starting to string together several emotionally crippling days in a row. Xanax isn’t helping at all right now either….well, maybe a little. Xanax might be keeping the tears at bay somewhat.