Today, I’m pissed off. I’m pissed off because there are many women out there that chose drugs, men, or alcohol over their children. THEY shouldn’t have been allowed to have children, not me. Today, I have NOT taken the high road. Every word out of my mouth has been filled with anger and annoyance. I’ve worked hard to avoid people today, my husband has not been so fortunate. Today, I’ve felt like one of the less fortunate. Why is this happening to ME? What did I do to deserve this? I’ve gone over my life with a fine tooth comb, trying to figure out why this is happening to me. No, I’ve never been perfect, but I don’t deserve THIS! But, no one deserves THIS!
Now, before you start thinking less of me, I know what you’re going to say. I shouldn’t allow this to make me bitter. You’re right! I am blessed beyond measure and nowhere near “less fortunate”. You’re RIGHT! But today, that bitter seed planted, and I allowed it to grow. SHAME ON ME! I want more out of my life than this. I will have more out of my life than this. But today, I allowed myself to feel the anger and it did NOT feel good. It was NOT productive.
So, a lesson was learned today. Today, cancer didn’t ruin my day, I ALLOWED my attitude to ruin my day. I would love to say that it won’t happen again. But I’m sure it will. The surgery is 12 days away and I have plenty to look forward to between now and then. Pluses: I have dates with girlfriends, a weekend with my husband, patio furniture to buy, new kitchen cabinets and appliances being installed. The end of my 8th year teaching and 1st year teaching in Indiana. Negatives: 4 days of clear liquid diets, a colonoscopy, and the thoughts in my head. So, I see that my life is full of blessings in both people and things. I know that there will be more days like today in my future, everyone has bad days. I just have to remember that I am not a negative person. So tomorrow, I’m going to drink my clear liquids with a happy heart and be glad that I live the blessed life that I do. I’m not going through this alone. I have an army standing with me, and for that, I am blessed.