I’ve cried tonight. I’ve cried tonight for so many reasons, both good and bad.
I’m scared beyond words. I’m afraid they’ll open me up and cancer will be everywhere. I’m afraid they’ll open me up and cancer will be nowhere, meaning I could have carried a child. I’m terrified that I’ve failed my students over the last couple of weeks because my mind and sometimes body has been elsewhere. I’m worried that I’ll fail my students next year if treatment continues, or ceases, or the hysterectomy makes me CRAZY! Sometimes during a conversation I want to scream “I HAVE CANCER!!” because it’s playing in my head like a broken record, consuming my thoughts. WIll it consume who I am? Will it ever go away? How do you become a survivor without it just taking over your life?
I have a husband who loves me beyond words, cancer/no cancer, uterus/no uterus, children/no children. He loves me in a way that sometimes, I’m not sure I deserve. No matter what, he’s going to love me. I have so much love, support and help surrounding me that it’s overwhelming. Flowers being sent, wine being brought over, help being offered over and over. What have I done to deserve so much love?
I genuinely care about so many people but I worry that I haven’t been a very good friend lately. I’ve been so consumed in my own life, that I just haven’t had time to ask anyone how their day is going. I’m simply struggling to get through mine.
Surgery day can’t come soon enough. It’s like the green mile, I know it’s coming and I sure can’t conceive, carry and pop out a child between now and then, so let’s just get it done. Rip it off fast, like a band-aid. The anticipation is literally driving me over the edge.
So, if you’re ever talking to me over the next few weeks and I don’t appear to be listening, I’m probably not. It’s not because you don’t matter, or because I don’t care, it’s because there’s this voice screaming in my head with both rational and irrational thoughts and fears. But know that I’m so very glad that you’re there. Sometimes, someone simply bringing air in the room for me to breathe is enough to make me feel normal for a minute.
When this whole journey began, I probably was looking too far into the future. I was booking meetings with Adoption Agencies, planning an addition onto the house for a child, planning a fundraiser to raise money for the adoption. Now, I’m paralyzed, at a total stand still. I can’t think about what I’m going to do in the next 5 minutes, let alone tomorrow, next week or next year. Right now, I am simply living by the mantra….right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot……and somehow, I’m able to make it through the day that way.