It’s strange…

It’s strange how I have thought about this whole cancer thing.  On May 1st, when the Dr. told me that I was going to have to have a hysterectomy, that was the most devastating news I could possibly get.  I wept for hours, days, a week that I would never be able to carry a child, feel it kick, ooh and ahh over sonogram pictures, have a gender reveal, a baby shower.  I told Vedran that if he wanted to leave me and find a wife that could give him a family of his own and carry his child that I would understand. But, my husband is a good man, he meant it when we took our vows. Cancer was the furthest thing from my mind. 

I was finding every possible reason to avoid this hysterectomy.  “Maybe I could just have a baby anyway, the cancer couldn’t grow that much in 9 months right?” “This Dr. (who is on many magazines as being the BEST) must be an absolute quack, what does he know?” These were my thoughts daily, until this same Dr., who was SO extremely brash (honest) at my first appointment, called me on May 9th.  He told me that the type of cancer was very aggressive, therefore we need to be aggressive as well.  He gave me his personal cell phone number (which he is probably now regretting).  He called me again at 8 o’clock on a Friday night to answer more questions.  He responds to my texts in a very timely manner.  Faith in him….restored.

I understand that oncologists are not really in the business of delivering good news, they should start delivering it with a glass of wine, pizza, or a puppy at least. That may soften the blow…I don’t know.

I think yesterday was the first day that I thought about the actual cancer. It’s in me, hopefully not growing, but maybe. So, a baby will come to us one day, it will be ours and loved more than any baby in this entire earth. Right now though, I have some cancer to deal with. I have to be strong and healthy and get myself ready to love on that baby when it does becomes ours.

I know that I could lay down and succumb to this, let it consume my every thought, feeling, breath, give up at work (more so than any teacher on the last weeks of school). I’m not going to though. I’m going to write about whatever, maybe cancer, maybe work, maybe all of the other crazy people in my life, but I AM going to write. If nobody reads this, that’s fine. It’s for me, and maybe it will help someone make it through this same plight someday. My goal is to turn this in to something productive, to use it as a blessing instead of a curse. Today, I’m positive….no promises for tomorrow though.


11 thoughts on “It’s strange…

  1. mel47834 says:

    That’s why I love you so very much. You are gonna help us all through this process by being your honest self. Let it out, let us know what you are feeling, that helps me. I will be with you every step of the way as will many people. We will all be strong for you and with you. We will somehow have some fun this summer I promise. And get those twin tattoos!!! You make me feel young again, doing the things we do together. Fifty eight is not to old for a tattoo is it? We have lots of good times ahead. Love your momma. :,)

  2. Cindy Donovan says:

    Oh no. I am so sorry to hear this but you have to get rid of this cancer thing because you are way too young to not have a full life ahead of you. I know I have never met you in person but just know that I am here if you need to talk. We Hoosier girls gotta stick together. I will keep reading your blog. You hang in there girl! You got this!! Go kick cancer’s butt!!!

  3. Jennifer Farris says:

    Jenni, know that we are all reading and amazed at your strength! I am honored to have you as a friend and proud to say you are my son’s teacher. We are here, whatever you need, big or small!

  4. nona says:

    Jenni! You are brave and strong with a loving family …keep your positive attitude… but your mommy is right…Be honest with yourself and those you are closest too! God bless you! Keep smiling that beautiful smile!

  5. Janine M. says:

    Writing is a great way to release your emotions and also track your journey to victory! (If you ever took dancing at Cindy’s Dance Studio, I’m thinking my daughter Ashlee might have taught some of your lessons.). Continued prayers for strength and healing!!

  6. Hi Jennifer, I had a hysterectomy in 2000, and ever since that, my life has never been better. Without being on a hormonal roller coaster, as I spent first 39 years of my life, I started experiencing life feeling calm, collected and with a sense of fulfillment that i never had before. My sex desire drastically improved, and my husband and I enjoy life full of love, passion and closeness as we never experienced before. Part of this is my hormonal stability regulated with daily dose of estrogen, but there is a lot to be said about me realizing how vulnerable we are, and how grateful I am for every single day with this man who proved his love when I needed it the most. Good luck, Jennifer!

  7. Marti says:

    So yesterday I was crying when I read your blog and today I am laughing. You are an amazing young lady! Thank you for sharing your journey. It helps those of us that aren’t close by see just how strong you are and take comfort in knowing you’re ready to kick butt! Hugs to all, sweetie!

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