It’s strange how I have thought about this whole cancer thing. On May 1st, when the Dr. told me that I was going to have to have a hysterectomy, that was the most devastating news I could possibly get. I wept for hours, days, a week that I would never be able to carry a child, feel it kick, ooh and ahh over sonogram pictures, have a gender reveal, a baby shower. I told Vedran that if he wanted to leave me and find a wife that could give him a family of his own and carry his child that I would understand. But, my husband is a good man, he meant it when we took our vows. Cancer was the furthest thing from my mind.
I was finding every possible reason to avoid this hysterectomy. “Maybe I could just have a baby anyway, the cancer couldn’t grow that much in 9 months right?” “This Dr. (who is on many magazines as being the BEST) must be an absolute quack, what does he know?” These were my thoughts daily, until this same Dr., who was SO extremely brash (honest) at my first appointment, called me on May 9th. He told me that the type of cancer was very aggressive, therefore we need to be aggressive as well. He gave me his personal cell phone number (which he is probably now regretting). He called me again at 8 o’clock on a Friday night to answer more questions. He responds to my texts in a very timely manner. Faith in him….restored.
I understand that oncologists are not really in the business of delivering good news, they should start delivering it with a glass of wine, pizza, or a puppy at least. That may soften the blow…I don’t know.
I think yesterday was the first day that I thought about the actual cancer. It’s in me, hopefully not growing, but maybe. So, a baby will come to us one day, it will be ours and loved more than any baby in this entire earth. Right now though, I have some cancer to deal with. I have to be strong and healthy and get myself ready to love on that baby when it does becomes ours.
I know that I could lay down and succumb to this, let it consume my every thought, feeling, breath, give up at work (more so than any teacher on the last weeks of school). I’m not going to though. I’m going to write about whatever, maybe cancer, maybe work, maybe all of the other crazy people in my life, but I AM going to write. If nobody reads this, that’s fine. It’s for me, and maybe it will help someone make it through this same plight someday. My goal is to turn this in to something productive, to use it as a blessing instead of a curse. Today, I’m positive….no promises for tomorrow though.