Weekends are fun….

It’s funny how I’ve been able to forget this whole cancer thing on the weekends.  I guess it’s because I’m able to do what I want to do and I’m surrounded by friends and family having tons of fun.  I truly live for the weekends now.

I woke up Saturday morning with a terrible stomach bug.  I sent the poor hubs out to get all the stomach relief aids he could find.  We were supposed to build a porch on our house.  Well, thanks to the parents and the husband, they did it (not without some frustrating moments).  I moved from the couch, to a chair outside and back to the couch, until finally coming around to the living late in the evening.  Our new porch is super cute, and built with love.  I can’t wait to get some furniture on it and enjoy the view this summer.

Sunday was full of enjoying company and getting together with a few of my dearest friends and sharing stories around a fire.  Laughter really is the best medicine. Monday was a lazy day, we floated in the lake and enjoyed the gorgeous weather.

I am truly surrounded by so many wonderful people.  Family, friends, coworkers are what get me through each day.  I could not do it without them.

Monday night, when Vedran left for work, that’s when the anxiety and emotions came roaring back.  I laid in bed upset and crying, wishing that all of this wasn’t happening.  I think the key is keeping busy and surrounding myself with those people who make me laugh. I know that this isn’t going to be easy.  I also know that when surgery day rolls around it will all become real and irreversible.  I’m sure I will experience all of these emotions over again ten fold. I guess right now I’m having a hard time feeling that it’s real.  It feels a bit like an out of body experience, this must be happening to someone else and not me. I’m looking forward to the moment when I no longer feel the need to blog about this, the moment when I don’t have to take a pill to keep from having a panic attack, the moment when I can just enjoy my life again.  I have been given 31 tremendous years, I don’t want to complain too much about one rough year, but I’m just ready for it to be over with.

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Tonight, I’ve cried….

I’ve cried tonight.  I’ve cried tonight for so many reasons, both good and bad.

Bad:

I’m scared beyond words.  I’m afraid they’ll open me up and cancer will be everywhere.  I’m afraid they’ll open me up and cancer will be nowhere, meaning I could have carried a child.  I’m terrified that I’ve failed my students over the last couple of weeks because my mind and sometimes body has been elsewhere.  I’m worried that I’ll fail my students next year if treatment continues, or ceases, or the hysterectomy makes me CRAZY! Sometimes during a conversation I want to scream “I HAVE CANCER!!” because it’s playing in my head like a broken record, consuming my thoughts. WIll it consume who I am?  Will it ever go away? How do you become a survivor without it just taking over your life?

Good:

I have a husband who loves me beyond words, cancer/no cancer, uterus/no uterus, children/no children.  He loves me in a way that sometimes, I’m not sure I deserve.  No matter what, he’s going to love me.  I have so much love, support and help surrounding me that it’s overwhelming.  Flowers being sent, wine being brought over, help being offered over and over. What have I done to deserve so much love?

I genuinely care about so many people but I worry that I haven’t been a very good friend lately.  I’ve been so consumed in my own life, that I just haven’t had time to ask anyone how their day is going.  I’m simply struggling to get through mine. 

Surgery day can’t come soon enough.  It’s like the green mile, I know it’s coming and I sure can’t conceive, carry and pop out a child between now and then, so let’s just get it done.  Rip it off fast, like a band-aid. The anticipation is literally driving me over the edge.

So, if you’re ever talking to me over the next few weeks and I don’t appear to be listening, I’m probably not.  It’s not because you don’t matter, or because I don’t care, it’s because there’s this voice screaming in my head with both rational and irrational thoughts and fears. But know that I’m so very glad that you’re there.  Sometimes, someone simply bringing air in the room for me to breathe is enough to make me feel normal for a minute.

When this whole journey began, I probably was looking too far into the future.  I was booking meetings with Adoption Agencies, planning an addition onto the house for a child, planning a fundraiser to raise money for the adoption.  Now, I’m paralyzed, at a total stand still.  I can’t think about what I’m going to do in the next 5 minutes, let alone tomorrow, next week or next year.  Right now, I am simply living by the mantra….right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot……and somehow, I’m able to make it through the day that way. 

Some answers…..some questions….

Mom and I met with the surgeon today. Aside from the very looooong wait, it went…..as well as an appointment with an oncologist can go. He was very nice and realistic. This is an extremely rare cancer, so he has some research to do as far as follow up and further treatments go. I feel like he cares about ME and wants to be sure that the benefits will far outweigh the risks. He wants to hear what the pathologist says about everything before making any set in stone decisions. I feel like he wants to keep my bladder as unharmed as possible. (Everything down there is very messy, and VERY close together!)

Surgery is still scheduled for the 13th, pending a colonoscopy. Yeah, you read it right….a colonoscopy. There isn’t going to be an untouched orifice left on this body, but I’ll be squeaky clean, inside and out.

Despite the stress of the day mom and I laughed, joked….and really didn’t cry. Life still goes on and will continue to do so. I choose laughter….because really, laughing feels good. Nothing too profound for today.

Rough night…and day….

The only thing that has consumed my thoughts in the last 24 hours is that I do NOT want this all to be happening.  I’m thinking of all the things that are being taken from me.  I’m thinking about the negative, which I’m sure is normal.  It’s like a terrorist attack.  After 9/11, we all lost our sense of security.  Cancer has attacked my body, will I ever be okay again?

When all of this first happened, I kept thinking into the future.  Let’s just get through this and adopt a baby and life will be perfect.  Now, I’m having a difficult time thinking past today.  Tomorrow I will meet with my new Doctor, who will be performing the surgery.  I’m sure he will be able to answer more of my questions and give me a timeline on all of this.  I’m just scared of the unknown, I’m tired of not knowing.  This is the only time in my life that I’ve wished for a fast forward button and really meant it.

So today, I’m feeling…BLAH!

Dating….again!

When my husband and I were dating, we lived over an hour apart.  Our time together was confined to weekends and every once in awhile a week night dinner.  Those weekends sustained us through the week.  We’d talk on the phone about how much we enjoyed each other’s company, wish each other a good night’s rest and sleep peacefully, looking forward to the next weekend. I realized last night, that we have gone back to dating.

When we moved up here, my husband took a job working nights.  This meant we would see each other for a teeny period of time each night when he would wake up, eat dinner and leave for work.  Now, those of you who know my husband, know that he’s an absolute peach when he first wakes up. (insert sarcastic tone here)  AND I am like an excited puppy wanting to talk and ask questions and make plans.  This was a rough adjustment at first, I felt like he was always snapping at me and we never saw each other.  Now, I realize though, we’ve just gone back to dating.

This weekend, we went camping with my family.  We had a fantastic time despite the rain and the chill.  When we got home yesterday afternoon, Vedran unpacked the car, I began mowing the grass.  He took a nap while I took a shower and we both just relaxed.  As he left for work, he kissed me on the forehead and told me how much he enjoyed the weekend with me.  Later, I called him before his shift started to tell him good night, and we both reiterated what a great weekend it had been.  My heart was all a flutter and I couldn’t wait until our next weekend together.

I realized how difficult it was to get used to the new normal of him working nights, now we enjoy it.  We cherish every moment that we have with one another.  I think it has made us stronger and more appreciative of each other.

Warning…Crude humor!

I woke up at about 2 am laughing so hard I hurt. Now, anyone that knows me, knows that when I have a laughing fit, it involves my whole body. My nose crunches up, my eyes are forced closed and I wheeze. And it doesn’t stop there….this funny moment may come back periodically throughout the day, week, month….maybe even 5 years from now. It will invoke this same laughing “attack”. The good thing about it is that everyone else laughs, I always assume they’re laughing with me, but I know that’s not the truth.

Anyway, to the dream that caused such laughter. I was in a room surrounded by people at tables making posters. We were all very serious about these posters, hushed voices working hard. People are talking about “hand cancer”. I look down and my poster says “Find a cure! Save the handjob!” That’s all I remember, that must be what invoked the laughing fit. I don’t know. The laughing fit came back in the shower because I thought “I have cancer of the hoo-hah, that’s a real problem!”

I thought I’d leave everyone with that tidbit today. I’m off camping for the weekend with my husband, family and friends. It should be a nice getaway. Have a FANTASTIC weekend everyone!

It’s strange…

It’s strange how I have thought about this whole cancer thing.  On May 1st, when the Dr. told me that I was going to have to have a hysterectomy, that was the most devastating news I could possibly get.  I wept for hours, days, a week that I would never be able to carry a child, feel it kick, ooh and ahh over sonogram pictures, have a gender reveal, a baby shower.  I told Vedran that if he wanted to leave me and find a wife that could give him a family of his own and carry his child that I would understand. But, my husband is a good man, he meant it when we took our vows. Cancer was the furthest thing from my mind. 

I was finding every possible reason to avoid this hysterectomy.  “Maybe I could just have a baby anyway, the cancer couldn’t grow that much in 9 months right?” “This Dr. (who is on many magazines as being the BEST) must be an absolute quack, what does he know?” These were my thoughts daily, until this same Dr., who was SO extremely brash (honest) at my first appointment, called me on May 9th.  He told me that the type of cancer was very aggressive, therefore we need to be aggressive as well.  He gave me his personal cell phone number (which he is probably now regretting).  He called me again at 8 o’clock on a Friday night to answer more questions.  He responds to my texts in a very timely manner.  Faith in him….restored.

I understand that oncologists are not really in the business of delivering good news, they should start delivering it with a glass of wine, pizza, or a puppy at least. That may soften the blow…I don’t know.

I think yesterday was the first day that I thought about the actual cancer. It’s in me, hopefully not growing, but maybe. So, a baby will come to us one day, it will be ours and loved more than any baby in this entire earth. Right now though, I have some cancer to deal with. I have to be strong and healthy and get myself ready to love on that baby when it does becomes ours.

I know that I could lay down and succumb to this, let it consume my every thought, feeling, breath, give up at work (more so than any teacher on the last weeks of school). I’m not going to though. I’m going to write about whatever, maybe cancer, maybe work, maybe all of the other crazy people in my life, but I AM going to write. If nobody reads this, that’s fine. It’s for me, and maybe it will help someone make it through this same plight someday. My goal is to turn this in to something productive, to use it as a blessing instead of a curse. Today, I’m positive….no promises for tomorrow though.